Social media past the age of 25 is like playing a game of killing rats …I would say dodgeball but my only knowledge of the game is through pimpled adolescent depiction in every American High School movie, which if you ask me makes no sense unless it is the same as my pre-adolescent years of Kati which even that was enjoyable.

You scroll your timeline incessantly with the hopes of catching up with people you barely spoke to when you walked the same academic streets. It’s always nice Keeping Up with the Kardashians until you realise that you’re probably the only one amongst your peers that’s still working the same job in the last four years, no promotion or signs of progression that you can dot your LinkedIn profile with, no concrete love life that has survived beyond the probationary three months, still catching javs, one paycheck hardly getting you to the next and that the only reason you go to work is because you have rent to pay.

I mean how can these people afford to get married when you have been living on one meal a day and relying on off-peak hours to get to and from work. Salary is a scam it’s like a loanshark giving you money with crazy interest rates you keep going back each month because you can’t survive without it. That girl who used to be your deskmate is on baby number 3, I mean sure we could do that too but then you want to go back to school so is it even the right time to consider it? No, seriously I think I’m still a child, I can’t look after another one…

And it’s not just your classmates, it is also the ones who were two years your junior in high school and the other ones that were in lower primary while you were in your last year of school. Kwani they just let everyone breed these days, I mean what’s the rush, si we will all get there? But wait for real though how did these infants even bring up the subject with their folks ati they want to settle down. And have a ruracio. And invite the whole estate. Who is paying for the wedding? You can you even say you have a boyfriend… in your parent’s house and they listen to you without changing the subject.

Lakini why did you want to grow up so fast back then? In retrospect, don’t you wish you had a little more respect for nap time when you had the time to sleep in the middle of the day and then be force-fed healthy balanced diet by a nanny who cleaned up after you. Now you look at other people’s babies like enviously because they are that broke best friend who sits around feet up like the biggest taxpayer, barks orders and is the boss of you all. You urge them not to be in a hurry, adulting is no joke.

But then when you look around everyone looks like they’re handling it okay. SGR trip here, jet setting there. Mara, they’re on TV talking about something you wish you could have invented or shaken hands with Obama and other dignitaries. It’s like nobody heard about the new tax that was going to eat another thao from your salo or if they did its just pocket change and not the difference between you and your last supper on the 24th before you get paid on the 10th. After all, they’re throwing rounds at Whisky Rivers and going to brunch every weekend at Milan.

You don’t need to slay on the Gram at a crowded K1. At least you have Brayo and Kevo talking to you every day even though you know they will never formalize the relationship beyond WhatsApp. It’s just a hi here, a sext there, maybe a dash of the nipple and a risque video of champagne showers. Nothing with your face in it you’re not trying to be a socialite or anything. Although when was the last time you saw Huddah in the country, is it really that hard! Si even you can be flown to Dubai sijui Lasgidi for the weekend?

Ama you think your mom would be less happy if she knew that expensive mud cloth you brought back for her was battered for with your own body. Our parents only warned us against Sugar Daddies, nobody seems to have covered the topic of Yahoo boys, Fuck boys, and well just boys in general. Right now they’re just looking at you waste away with no signs of marriage. In fact, your mother will probably be excited to receive expensive gifts from time to time if she thinks it’s from a future son in law. Questions will not be asked…

And then it starts, the marriages come closer to you.  You know the squad that you previously shared photos of other people’s traditional engagement ceremonies from Facebook. Now you are hosting baby showers for people in your own squad. The very people that had sworn to stay on Team Forever Single with you are now thrusting the biggest knives in your back. There is no longer anywhere else to hide but to face reality, there is no screen between you and the person going through an engagement, wedding, anything.

Just like that, they start to fall one by one, like ten green bottles standing on a wall…

I love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.

Always yours,








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